Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Change Is Good... right?

I know it's been a few days since my last 'sitting' but I'm not sure what to write/talk about. I come here today feeling more and more confused (but what else is new)? I always feel confused.
So, as I mentioned before, Joe is in the military. He/we just found out the other day that he will be getting stationed in Hawaii. The report date for him to be there is 1 July. I have to say that getting this assignment is bittersweet. 'Back-in-the-day' I would have already been in my coconut bra and grass skirt and would already be sitting on the plane, waiting impatiently for take off. Now... I sit here and I wonder what it would be like now. How nice it would be to wake up every single morning, put on a bathing suit and head to the beach.. for the day! Then come home, put on a flowery sundress and head to the nearest luau. Sit by an open fire, with a full belly, and watch the sunset over the calm, beautiful sea-green water while sipping spirits out of a coconut with a pretty umbrella, of course delivered to me by a handsome Hawaiian wearing nothing but a grass skirt.
Bzzzzz! (that it the sound of my internal alarm clock, snapping me back to reality)! I can't go to Hawaii! Would things be any different there? Thousands of miles away from my friends and family. Away from 'civilization? Um... no. I know this to be true.
I was talking to 'Joe' the other night (he doesn't know of my 'plan' to leave, yet). I was telling him that I didn't feel comfortable going all the way to Hawaii with the unresolved issues that him and I have. That I didn't want to be 'stuck' overseas if/when things didn't work out. Then I told him that I would not be shipping my SUV to Hawaii (I didn't want him to make plans to ship MY vehicle knowing that I wasn't going). I told him that I would just leave it stateside and buy a hooptie car in Hawaii. He blew a freakin' cork! Here's the deal... It is going to cost $2,500 to ship MY vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I could leave my vehicle stateside and use the $2,500 to buy a little car over there. But he was determined to ship my vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I had NO voice and NO opinion on this matter what-so-ever! That HE has made the decision for both of us! That is NOT how this is going to work. Get this, he said he would 'sleep on it". Um... NO! I will NOT ship my vehicle to Hawaii because I am not going! I think he wants to ship everything that we have worked hard to get together so when I leave, I can't take anything with me. Shipping an entire household from Hawaii... um... yeah.. expensive!
So where does all this leave me? Well, I now know where HE is going to be moving. I know 'approximately' the time frame that he is moving. Now all I have to do is secure myself an apartment and get my ducks in a row for the big day.
At every turn in life, you have opportunities to change self-defeating habits and to stretch outside my comfort-zone and to end unhealthy relationships. I want to make everyday an expression of who I truly am. I just need to figure out how to embrace these changes. I know I have to take responsibilities for these changes. From the known, to the unknown. I know there are going to be anxiety, struggles and probably a sense of loss. But I have tried to change him. Not change him as in to be a new person, just a better person and that didn't (and still won't) work. So I need to change myself. I can't continue to waste my energy on things that will always be...
When I change myself, I will be able to live a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life.
My Life!


  1. Definitely don't let him make plans to take anything of yours. In fact, you might want to get the divorce ball rolling so that he can't take any assets to Hawaii that you might be entitled to. They'd be a lot harder to get back if they're halfway across the world from you! Good luck.

  2. Oh sweety, I am just hurting for you. I found your post through your comment on PW's and am just browsing blogs. I wish I could say I had answers for you, but I don't. I do want to say to be careful. While there are tons of good men in the (army navy marines airforce) there are also those like your *dickhead* who are controlling and an ass. Be careful, please, because when you get to the point where you want to leave he will get even more controlling. You really should tell your family what is goinbg on, because you are going to need some big time backup in case it gets messy, and it probably will. Be careful-controlling men with guns-can kill when they feel something they "OWN" is being taken away. Good luck...I will be reading.

  3. I came several posts too late to know what is going on but I read this post and think you have in two comments, already, some sound advice if you are able to follow it.

    Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting there.

    Abraham Lincoln
    Brookville Daily Photo