Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Change Is Good... right?
I know it's been a few days since my last 'sitting' but I'm not sure what to write/talk about. I come here today feeling more and more confused (but what else is new)? I always feel confused.
So, as I mentioned before, Joe is in the military. He/we just found out the other day that he will be getting stationed in Hawaii. The report date for him to be there is 1 July. I have to say that getting this assignment is bittersweet. 'Back-in-the-day' I would have already been in my coconut bra and grass skirt and would already be sitting on the plane, waiting impatiently for take off. Now... I sit here and I wonder what it would be like now. How nice it would be to wake up every single morning, put on a bathing suit and head to the beach.. for the day! Then come home, put on a flowery sundress and head to the nearest luau. Sit by an open fire, with a full belly, and watch the sunset over the calm, beautiful sea-green water while sipping spirits out of a coconut with a pretty umbrella, of course delivered to me by a handsome Hawaiian wearing nothing but a grass skirt.
Bzzzzz! (that it the sound of my internal alarm clock, snapping me back to reality)! I can't go to Hawaii! Would things be any different there? Thousands of miles away from my friends and family. Away from 'civilization? Um... no. I know this to be true.
I was talking to 'Joe' the other night (he doesn't know of my 'plan' to leave, yet). I was telling him that I didn't feel comfortable going all the way to Hawaii with the unresolved issues that him and I have. That I didn't want to be 'stuck' overseas if/when things didn't work out. Then I told him that I would not be shipping my SUV to Hawaii (I didn't want him to make plans to ship MY vehicle knowing that I wasn't going). I told him that I would just leave it stateside and buy a hooptie car in Hawaii. He blew a freakin' cork! Here's the deal... It is going to cost $2,500 to ship MY vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I could leave my vehicle stateside and use the $2,500 to buy a little car over there. But he was determined to ship my vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I had NO voice and NO opinion on this matter what-so-ever! That HE has made the decision for both of us! That is NOT how this is going to work. Get this, he said he would 'sleep on it". Um... NO! I will NOT ship my vehicle to Hawaii because I am not going! I think he wants to ship everything that we have worked hard to get together so when I leave, I can't take anything with me. Shipping an entire household from Hawaii... um... yeah.. expensive!
So where does all this leave me? Well, I now know where HE is going to be moving. I know 'approximately' the time frame that he is moving. Now all I have to do is secure myself an apartment and get my ducks in a row for the big day.
At every turn in life, you have opportunities to change self-defeating habits and to stretch outside my comfort-zone and to end unhealthy relationships. I want to make everyday an expression of who I truly am. I just need to figure out how to embrace these changes. I know I have to take responsibilities for these changes. From the known, to the unknown. I know there are going to be anxiety, struggles and probably a sense of loss. But I have tried to change him. Not change him as in to be a new person, just a better person and that didn't (and still won't) work. So I need to change myself. I can't continue to waste my energy on things that will always be...
When I change myself, I will be able to live a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life.